Wednesday, February 27, 2013

At the Movies: Boobs vs. Cocks



Did you feel uncomfortable listening to that opening number at the Academy Awards on Sunday night? I’d never heard of emcee Seth MacFarlane before then, but he came across as a sexist, misogynist (is that redundant?) idiot when he and a bunch of grinning, dancing guys sang “We Saw Your Boobs”. As though the baring of female breasts in the named films was gratuitous and not an organic part of the evolving plot.

That unfunny farce made me want to write the Academy to suggest that next year they feature Boys and Their Butts. But I guess male butts are ho-hum these days. How about Males and Their Members. Or People and Their Penises. Right, like that will ever happen. Hollywood is run mostly by men.

I don’t spend a lot of time at the movies (I’d rather read)—although I did see Magic Mike twice—so I Googled “male nudity + movies”. Boy, were my eyes opened! List after list of lists itemizing which flicks showed male penises. And I’m not talking about porn movies. These were all mainstream flicks and I even recognized a number of the titles.

Many of the articles I read addressed individual flicks. Unfortunately, in every case when a photo was offered, the dangly bits in question were blurred; I don’t know if they were blurred out in the movies as well.

So if you’ve been as unenlightened as I was (and sheesh! I’m an erotic romance author!) about the caliber of movies today, the following movies were mentioned as some which display naked penises. The comments from various sites discussing their “Top Ten” choices are listed; I have no opinions since I didn’t see the movies.

One of the earliest (1980) was American Gigolo. Richard Gere was considered pretty brave as a male prostitute standing naked (in a long shot so you didn’t see much) while arguing how meaningful his job is.

Color of Night, Bruce Willis. Nighttime naked shenanigans with a woman where his manly bits bob around in a swimming pool, the scene was labeled extraneous to the plot.

Wild Things, Kevin Bacon. Just out of the shower, too far away to see much.

Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen. Apparently famous for the nude wrestling scene with a really fat guy.

Kinsey, Liam Neeson and Peter Saarsgard. Love scene between the two men but only *ahem* Peter gets screen time.

The Brown Bunny, Vincent Gallo. Also credit Chloë Sevigny on this one, as she provides “unsimulated” oral sex to Gallo in a car. One blogger actually called it porn.

Ben Stiller in There’s Something about Mary, famous for catching his testicles in his zipper. In closeup.

Two stars were singled out for a plethora of naked-penis-shot movies:

  • Ewan McGregor, playing a junkie who snapped off a condom in one of his movies. But it was only in silhouette. Does that count?
  • Harvey Keitel, who bared his all in no less than seven flicks.

Also mentioned were Alexander Skarsgård in True Blood and Jason Segal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Thomas Jane in Hung. Jake Gyllenhaal in Love and Other Drugs. Michael Fassbender in everything. Apparently we can’t count Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights, because he supposedly used a prosthesis.

Topping it off, I found a number of lists naming dozens of films that feature male nudity just in 2012: Flight, Cloud Atlas, Anna Karenina, The Paperboy, The Dictator, and on and on. Okay, wow. Do I even dare admit how far behind the times I’ve been? Never mind live penises, the only male butts on the big screen that stayed in my memory:


  • The locker room after a football game in Any Given Sunday.
  • The crew of The Full Monty.
  • It’s Complicated, with Alec Baldwin bending over to pick up something in view of Meryl Streep’s boyfriend via a laptop’s webcam.
  • The pusher in Traffic who let Michael Douglas’ daughter pay for her drug buy with sexual favors.
And last year there was Magic Mike. *sigh*

So how about it, readers? Which is your favorite naked-male-sexual-parts scene in a movie? And the more pressing question, would you like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to satirize, er, glorify male appendages at next year’s Academy Awards?

--Cris Anson

10 comments:

  1. Jack Ritter in Skin Deep, but it's a comedy. He wears a glow in the dark condom and all you can see is a glowing penis shaped object in a couple of scenes. There's a *clear throat* sword fight when his lover's BF's walks in one them.

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  2. all they need is a female comic as funny as Seth McFarlane (sorry, I think he's funny but in an entirely rude way so the Academy got what it paid for with him) to pull it off. I say it's Sarah Silverman's turn and I'd laugh at that bit as hard as I did the boobs one (again, sorry, but I find South Park funny too). Great post though and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  3. Mel Gibson in one of the Lethal movies...great butt shot! LOL

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  4. Well, I did think the song was funny, and the context was hilarious -- "Don't do this at the Oscars! And don't do THAT! And especially don't do THIS!!!!" It was the first time I laughed at an Oscars opening monologue in a long time.

    And I'm frankly amazed that anyone expected anything approaching good taste from SETH MCFARLANE? (I was equally amazed that he could sing and dance -- he was quite good!)

    Oh, and there was full frontal Arnold in The Terminator, and full Cumberbutt from Benedict Cumberbatch in To the Ends of the Earth. And full frontal with sock in the outtakes of The Last Enemy,

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  5. I'm not a big movie person. There are only certain ones that I watch. Nothing worse than watching a movie with your children and seeing nudity. I'll never forget when I took my kids to see Team America. OMG! My son even covered my eyes!

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  6. Didn't see the show so didn't see what you mention. So tired of females always on the "baring" side when men may get a naked butt shot.
    Either do both the same or cut back on both. I like movies that hint at but don't show all...leaves me with something to imagine/create myself!

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  7. Interesting post. I didn't realize there were so many movies where men bare anything. I remember a shot of Richard Gere in the shower (?) but can't remember the title. Also, saw that shot in It's Complicated, but it wasn't sexy at all. I don't go to the movies much and didn't see the Oscars. Yup, I'd rather read. But maybe I should check out Magic Mike. lol I think since men make the vast majority of movies, we're rarely going to get any "interesting" shots of men.

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  8. Dudes and their Danglies! I saw Bruce Willis in the pool ...and it was totally a gratuitous shot to display his notable appendage.

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  9. Seth MacFarlane’s comedy is satirical, and satire often comes from being purposefully offensive. Seth is not Jim Gaffigan. He’s not quite Louis CK or Patton Oswalt, either, but his humor comes from trying to get a reaction out of you. David Cross once started a bit where he said, “And you know what else bothers me? N----rs!” We weren’t supposed to take him seriously, as he was making fun of people who are racist by assuming the role of the racist. Just as Seth was making fun of sexists by assuming the role of a sexist. Many of his male characters in his shows are often offensive, crass, sexist, and so on. But they’re also stupid. His intelligent male characters rarely exhibit these traits. What this says is he views these attitudes the exact same way you do. “This attitude toward women/minorities is absolutely absurd, and so are the people who espouse these views.”

    The Oscar bit is in the same vein. Contextualized, the song was preempted by stating, “This behavior is unacceptable.” He became a caricature.

    Now, if he approached the song/dance (or any of his other work) with a superior attitude, or delivered it in such a way wherein he stated or insinuated blatant misogyny should be embraced, I’d have a very different opinion of him. The way it was delivered, though, was, “I’m a moron, and this is what morons see.” I don’t find that offensive. I find it funny.

    Similarly, feminism is about equality all the way around. If we can go to a movie like Magic Mike and ogle over the men, men should be able to do the same. Physical appreciation doesn’t necessarily cancel out appreciation for an individual’s other assets. Granted, men have been objectifying women a lot longer and more publicly, but feminism is about being equals, not superiors.

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  10. Hollydb, thank you for such a thoughtful comment that makes one, well, think. And thank you to everyone else who ventured to say something. I love that this post has created some provocative discussion.

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